The city was Nashville. Out of all the country plucking guys you met, there were very
few people in the city who played rock music; and “Dwayne Leftridge” was one of them.
In spite of his dislocation for his kind of music though, there were a good number of
people in the area who always liked his music.
One of these people was a man who had never told him his name, whom he simply
called the “man with the cigar”. Leftridge just happened to run into him one day. He
was smoking a cigar and he told him, “I have this horrible thing I do in regard to my
smoking. I always smoke a cigar and right after I finish it, I always smoke a cigarette.
“Dwayne Leftridge” told him that he was playing at a place not far away on saturday
and that if he thought it would do any good, he was free to come; and the “man with the
cigar” said that if he got the chance, he would be there.
That weekend, while “Leftridge” was playing on stage, the “man with the cigar”
showed up. First, he smoked a cigar and immediately after, he smoked a cigarette.
After his performance, “Leftridge” talked to the man and he said to him, “I see what
you mean: First you smoke a cigar and then you smoke a cigarette.”
“Yes; I’ve done that for years: But after seeing you perform, I’ve decided to quit
smoking”, the “man with the cigar said”. “You were good!”
“Thank You” said “Leftridge”. “Good luck with that”.
The next time that “Dwayne Leftridge” saw the man, this time the man was smokng
“Guess what”, he said: “I quit smoking cigars. Remember how I would always
smoke a cigar and then smoke a cigarrette? Well, I quit smoking the cigar and now I
just smoke the cigarette.”
“That’s not healthy”, replied “Leftridge”; “but it’s healthier”.
The man complained, saying, “You know; the problem I have with quitting smoking is
my hands. Everytime I try to quit smoking, I start picking my nose all the time because
much of the habit is in the hands. Not being able to control your hands has alot to do
with increasing your desire to smoke. You get used to having a cigarette in them. If I
only had a way to control my hands, it would help me destroy the desire to smoke; and I
think I have the solution. What I’ll do is, I’ll hire someone to pick my nose for me. That
way, I can keep my hands in my pockets until the desire to move them around with a
cigarette in them goes away.
“I also know exactly what person that I can hire to pick my nose for me: You: I’ll
hire you to pick my nose for me. I’ll pay you for it! I’ll buy you surgeons’ gloves!”
With his shining armor character, “Dwayne Leftridge” refused; telling him, “I’m sorry
sir; but you’ll have to find someone else. I simply don’t pick other peoples’ noses.”
Sputtering in shock, his eyes and mouth opened wide. He stood there staring at him
as his body trembled. After he calmed down some, he finally spoke, informing him, “but
you can’t refuse. If you refuse this job I’m offering you, I’ll fail! I don’t want to smoke
“Leftridge” continued, letting him know very clearly as he explained, “I’m sorry sir;
but I just don’t pick other people’s noses. You’re going to have to do this on your own.”
The man leaped off his chair as he screamed at “Leftridge”, “You’ll pay for this!
You’ll live in guilt for what you did to me: I know a chimpanzee at the zoo who chokes
people to death!”
“That night, when “Leftridge” went to bed, he was horrified. Surely, the man
with the cigar was going to bring a chimpanzee over to choke him to death.
He had taken a knife to bed with him just in case.
The next morning though, he found himself in total relief; for when he turned on the
T.V. and found that the news was on, he heard the news broadcaster say,
“This morning, the “man who smokes a cigar” was found outside the chimpanzee cage
at the zoo, after being choked to death by ‘Chokey the Chimp’. Apparently, he did not
heed the warning sign outside the cage, explaining that ‘Chokey’ has been known to
choke people to death now and then. In fact, this is where he gets his name.”
“So”, blurted “Leftridge” merrily: “That’s what he was talking about: He was
talking about suicide. I’m safe! I guess smoking a cigarette after smoking a cigar
isn’t good for you: It’s depressing!” THE END
(DWAYNE LEFTRIDGE HAS ALSO MADE A CD CALLED,
WHICH MAY BE EXPLORED HERE
HE SMOKED A CIGAR
HE SMOKED A CIGAR
DWAYNE LEFTRIDGE FAIRY TALES...